i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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