I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
