I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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