if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I want a musical about memes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
