I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
