I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
