she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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