I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
