I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
