i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
