Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
