i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
