my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
