Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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