i already hear my dad disowning me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
