I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
