I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
