i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
