I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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