dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
