I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
