Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm too high and old for this...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
