I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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