Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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