Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
