So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
