not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
