i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
