she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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