There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
