she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
