He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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