if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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