Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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