he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize