Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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