If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize