How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
