why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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