I am puke
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
