We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my being single is dangerous.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it's like heaven, but drunker
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
