You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
