Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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