Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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