All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
