i will never coherently bang her
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
