bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
