i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
