Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
