I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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