Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
