I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
