sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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