i don't like sucking hair
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
