don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
