Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
